The second half… The better half

On the 1^st July I was listening to a popular TV host who was speaking about how we were in the middle of the year, saying 183 days are over and another 183 days to look forward to in 2020. Grateful to the almighty for having stepped into the second half of the year, just started wondering how 2020 has been an year of happenings we never thought would happen in our lives.

My new year started with a lot of excitement over a new job and a long term prayer come to reality. The excitement didn’t last too long, something else soon stole the show by performing at the world’s stage that the usual question of “How are you?” was affixed with “We hear of corona in your place, How are you?” It was more of how coronavirus was doing than us..

The words “long distance” have always been familiar to me and thought I was going to have another spell of it in 2020. I didn’t stress too much on it, for I thought it was just a few months.. Now please don’t ask me HOW LONG?

Soon the priorities shifted to the new order of the day called “social distancing”. Sounded fancy. Yet another one was “quarantine”. The word I had never used or may be I never used if not for the corona virus. The new way of living was strange, scary and thrilling. Though these words are not the most spoken where I live, several parts of the world are still coping with it.

Going back to what I was thinking about on the 1st of July was about just one thing.. the closure to this pandemic. I have heard preachers and evangelists speak about “perilous pestilence” while preaching Psalm 91, the one I have read and sung the most. These words make complete sense to me now than ever before.

July reminded me of the stalled projects and dreams on-hold, about how the pandemic has hit the pause button in many of our lives and how it hit end button for many. As clouds of uncertainty loom over our heads, I pray for these to scatter away soon and make way for clear skies.

Bruised, Broken and, yet, Breathing

via Bruised, Broken and, yet, Breathing

Thunderstorms

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If you ever want your to dance in the clouds, you will at some point have to juggle lightning and taste the thunder. #notetoself #instamood #lightning #rain #rainyday #beach #travel #love #night #pondicherry #pondicherrydiaries #throwback

A post shared by Ernest👣 (@ernestnirmalk) on Jul 15, 2019 at 11:50am PDT

Last night’s thunder and lightning left me amazed.. for the city I am living in is seeing rains after months of extreme heat and parched lands. The land is devoid of water and there’s hue and cry for water everywhere. What we witnessed last night was one good spell of rain after two long years…

Indeed.. The thunders were way to loud for the ears.. as we have not been hearing them for a while now and definitely nature is angry with the men of this city for destroying what they were all blessed with and it was screaming at them… As everybody says the scorching summer was the punishment.. I would love to call the thunderstorm a warning and a moment of awakening. Warning to not to continue what we have been doing to the environment all these days.. A realisation of the rarity of the rains.. An awakening to preserve and treasure the water as available in nature.

It was happy to see the people rush to collect the rainwater last night..but it is the land that it needs it the most to replenish the reserves we emptied…

A few minutes of watching the rain took me to a time of introspection. Given the circumstances in my life, when everything seems bleak and discouraging..

It spoke the warning of not to continue what I have been doing all these days to myself and to the people around. A call to say no to those energy depleting actions and live more consciously.

A realisation of the abundant treasures bestowed on me.. I have been taking for granted and deal them with care. A strong will to hold onto the goodness of this moment and to create more…

I have always been a person who enjoys the rain.. last evening’s rain has helped me feel much better and think better.. and most importantly… when I have needed the most. Yet another perk is that it made me write after years.

Once more

Written for YourQuote.in writing prompt.

Battered

I know it’s been a while since I wrote a blog post. But at this moment , my blog is all I could reach out to.

Thick air surrounds me and I can barely breathe.

There are many days I have asked God for help to swim through a difficult day but all I want to ask God now is to help me just survive every passing minute.

In all these years, many close friends, not so very close friends and relatives have hurt me… I would have hated them then but with time I learnt to retain relationships beyond hatred.

But now I am living a season of hatred, hurt, wounds, abuse and shame. The Christmas season of joy unfortunately has turned into a season of brokenness.

4 years of loneliness taught me that spending time together with family during times of celebration is all a person could ask for.. But the last three Christmas seasons and especially this year has made me feel that loneliness was much more bearable than being torn apart in a war of egos amidst loved ones.

There was a time period in my life when my friends teased for I used to trip over stones, pavements and steps of a staircase. I was made fun for my imbalance, lack of the sense of equilibrium… That hurt then… Ask me today I have lost sense of balance in my life.., the me vs others.

There are scars on my knees, elbows and legs from the falls… The wounds I have now don’t seem to heal or I can’t say if they would heal …

The friends who have been really close always complained of my mood swings. But they knew I used to recover from a low really quick … I expressed anger, happiness and grief all aloud and never felt the shame of being exposed.. In the recent past and until now all I have done is to hide my emotions, make myself believe that I was never hurt and be numb to the bleeding wounds….

Those 4 years I lived alone, the walls, the bed, the quilt, the sink and every inanimate thing heard my lamentations without fail and helped me heal. When my wails grew louder, they calmed me with their silence.

The insensitivity and the indifference of every person around me has shattered me into pieces… beyond repair. I fear reaching out …

Though I have not been very happy person all my life … I have been cheerful and chirpy many a times and that has defined me as a person .., but never have I been this bitter and heartbroken

A few years ago I wrote a post of hurt/ hate… A friend explained how it was not good for a reader or for me… Couldn’t help today.. This post isn’t good staying in the drafts forever…