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Well! It's all Mine……

Once more

Written for YourQuote.in writing prompt.

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Battered

I know it’s been a while since I wrote a blog post. But at this moment , my blog is all I could reach out to.

Thick air surrounds me and I can barely breathe.

There are many days I have asked God for help to swim through a difficult day but all I want to ask God now is to help me just survive every passing minute.

In all these years, many close friends, not so very close friends and relatives have hurt me… I would have hated them then but with time I learnt to retain relationships beyond hatred.

But now I am living a season of hatred, hurt, wounds, abuse and shame. The Christmas season of joy unfortunately has turned into a season of brokenness.

4 years of loneliness taught me that spending time together with family during times of celebration is all a person could ask for.. But the last three Christmas seasons and especially this year has made me feel that loneliness was much more bearable than being torn apart in a war of egos amidst loved ones.

There was a time period in my life when my friends teased for I used to trip over stones, pavements and steps of a staircase. I was made fun for my imbalance, lack of the sense of equilibrium… That hurt then… Ask me today I have lost sense of balance in my life.., the me vs others.

The are scars on my knees, elbows and legs from the falls… The wounds I have now don’t seem to heal or I can’t say if they would heal …

The friends who have been really close always complained of my mood swings. But they knew I used to recover from a low really quick … I expressed anger, happiness and grief all aloud and never felt the shame of being exposed.. In the recent past and until now all I have done is to hide my emotions, make myself believe that I was never hurt and be numb to the bleeding wounds….

Those 4 years I lived alone, the walls, the bed, the quilt, the sink and every inanimate thing heard my lamentations without fail and helped me heal. When my wails grew louder, they calmed me with their silence.

The insensitivity and the indifference of every person around me has shattered me into pieces… beyond repair. I fear reaching out …

Though I have not been very happy person all my life … I have been cheerful and chirpy many a times and that has defined me as a person .., but never have I been this bitter and heartbroken

A few years ago I wrote a post of hurt/ hate… A friend explained how it was not good for a reader or for me… Couldn’t help today.. This post isn’t good staying in the drafts forever…

Dear Calendar

Written for YourQuote.in writing prompt.

The moon and me

Oh my my !!!!! How much do you love someone who gives you a reason to write? Given a ray of thought why not build upon it ?

A few hours ago I sat watching one of my favourite political satire shows. I paused to read a tweet by a senior person of a political party, that he could see the face of Sai Baba on the surface of the moon. I laughed over the heights of stupidity and when done walked over to the nearby grocer..

I was surprised to see my neighbour along with a little boy pointing to the moon. The old lady , completely immersed into the news was watching with complete awe and the little boy convinced her how he could visualise the face.

The grocer mocked at the little boy saying graphics, and now the old lady walks in saying the she saw photos of the miracle on TV and those aren’t fake.

I tried to reason out with the little boy and he said you could see it only if you see with reverence for Sai and piety at heart.

Flabbergasted at his explanation , I said if you think of me and you see the moon … you can see me too. Annoyed by my reply he said , you are unholy that’s why you are joking about God.

I got serious , I told him I can show you the news that it is fake and that the politician who put out this statement has removed it too. With rage he replied why do I have to believe you , I believe in Sai.

Speechless I came back home and called my hubby and narrated all that happened. He laughed and said there are many coworkers who had kept awake to watch this so-called miracle on September 23rd, the day it was scheduled to happen.

I couldn’t laugh anymore at this stupidity but worry about this madness and blind faith of the people around.

As I write this, I sit in my balcony under the moon lit sky recollecting those beautiful days someone saw my face on the moon … Ok… a photoshopped image..

When you can see Sai and my friend sees Sunny Leone … why not someone see me ?

Yes my husband (then my boy friend) photoshopped by face on to the image of the SuperMoon he clicked in 2012.

And now I see us

This pic was drawn by him for my birthday… Now many thanks to the politician, the little boy and of course the moon for making me write today.

#moon #saibaba #sunnyleone #funny

Last 100 days of 2018

How has 2018 been this far ? Awesome ?

I just told myself today , it is completely if it wasn’t awesome until now but there are 100 more days to make it awesome ..

Life has never been the way I have always wanted it to be and many a times I have forced myself to accept and adapt to the way life turned out to be.

I woke up before sunrise today with all energy to kick-start my 100 days project – the last possible one for 2018 and promised myself that I would give my best .

These 100 days is going to be my best effort to form a habit in my life .., meaning removing many of the bad habits and rewriting them with the new.

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit. – Aristotle

Of the many suggestions that self-help books or websites gives is maintaining an online journal, or publicise on social media to be held accountable for..

I fear making my plans/goals public for

  1. Fear of being judged
  2. Fear of failure
  3. My bad consistency

All I prayed for today is for God to help me fight all of these and make these 100 days a success.

Goals for these 100 days are as follows:

  1. Read the Bible everyday and pray
  2. Code every day
  3. Workout and eat clean
  4. Learn my language lessons every single day

Pretty much it…

Will continue in the next post

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